Emotional Intelligence Blog

I met Kathy, a friend of mine, for lunch the other day. She’s the manager of human resources and training for a healthcare organization that serves our county and surrounding counties. Things have been difficult in her organization because of changes that Medicaid made last fall in defining what they will reimburse to healthcare organizations for the services they provide to patients. Because of these changes and a declining census they have been in the red for a number of months.

Kathy’s CEO, Lorraine, has taken a number of steps to bring a balance back to their financials. Those steps have been helpful but more needs to be done. I met Lorraine a year ago and was impressed with both her big picture view of where the organization was going and with her demeanor. One of the things that came up in our discussion was the importance of emotional intelligence (EI). Kathy had told me that Lorraine excelled at this and based on my observations and our discussion she seemed to have a high degree of emotional intelligence skills. She wasn’t one of those people who looked calm on the outside while hiding negative emotions on the inside.

During our lunch Kathy said there were a number of people in middle and upper level management who were exhibiting overt signs of increased stress. She was seeing some leaders being more defensive, expressing pessimism and indecisiveness, and a few that were confrontational and actually being critical of the Lorraine.

What is interesting is that they weren’t necessarily being critical of the actions Lorraine had taken but rather the fact that Lorraine seemed so calm about all of this. They were upset that she was not more anxious, worried and frustrated — like they were! I thought, “What an interesting phenomenon. Here we have a CEO who is managing her emotions well, which enables her to think clearly and stay calm and focused, while some of her staff are not managing their emotions very well, and they are upset at her for doing so.”

As I thought about it later it seemed that a good short-term solution for Lorraine was to make sure she was expressing empathy when she communicates with her people, especially for those who are showing signs of extreme negative emotions. Demonstrating that you know and understand what people are feeling shows them that you know what it is like to be in their shoes and that you will make decisions that are in their best interest.

The best solution would be to teach people how to develop their emotional intelligence skills so they don’t get emotionally hijacked by changes that take place, whether at work our at home. Emotional intelligence skill-building training has been shown to deliver improvements in performance, relationships, and health. When looking for a training program that really works the key is to check to make sure that it gets measured results — consistently. Leaders at all levels can help themselves and their people more easily weather these challenging times by demonstrating empathy for their people and developing their emotional intelligence skills.

I was looking for a slide that I used a few years ago to include in a presentation on Emotional Intelligence to a healthcare organization. So I opened a file that I have labeled “Health.” In most of my Emotional Intelligence presentations and workshops I mention a few health benefits of better emotional management such as lower blood pressure, better hormonal balance, better sleep, etc.

As I began reading through the slides I created about the impact of negative and positive emotions on health issues, I realized that I had accumulated some very important and powerful information that others might find of interest. I thought some of this information might motivate people to at least investigate ways to improve their emotional self-awareness and emotional self-management.

Summary of Findings from Various Research Studies.
Following are just a few of the quotes from various research studies on the impact of emotions on health.

Memory Loss and Emotions
“People who are easily distressed and have more negative emotions are more likely to develop memory problems than more easygoing people. In the study, those who most often experience negative emotions such as depression and anxiety were 40 percent more likely to develop mild cognitive impairment than those who were least prone to negative emotions.

“Source: American Academy of Neurology, “Distress-prone People More Likely to Develop Memory Problems,” as reported in Science Daily, June 12, 2007.

Diabetes
“Results provide evidence that individuals with diabetes can reduce HbA1c levels by utilizing the HeartMath (emotional management) tools and techniques. Research suggests that patients who are able to maintain their levels at 7% or less reduce their risk for complications such as blindness, kidney disease and nerve damage.”

Source: McCraty, Atkinson, and Conforti, Proceedings of the Society of Behavioral Medicine 20th Annual Scientific Sessions, San Diego, CA 1999

Positive Emotion and Alzheimer’s
“After analyzing short autobiographies of almost 200 nuns, written when they first took holy orders, he found that the sisters who had expressed the most positive emotions in their writing as girls ended up living longest, and that those on the road to Alzheimer’s expressed fewer and fewer positive emotions as their mental functions declined.”

Source: Dr. David Snowdon, University of Kentucky’s Sanders-Brown Center on Aging, as reported in Time, “The Nun Study,” May 14, 2001

Positive Words and Caring
“A thirty-five year study of male Harvard students found that, of those who had rated their parents low in parental caring and used fewer positive words to describe them (loving, open, etc.), 95% had diseases diagnosed in midlife. Fewer than 30% who rated their parents high in caring and used many positive words had been so diagnosed.”

Source: Journal of Behavioral Medicine [1997; 20(1): 1-13]

Cancer and Cardiovascular Disease
“Emotional stress was more predictive of death from cancer and cardiovascular disease than smoking; people who were unable to effectively manage their stress had a 40% higher death rate than more emotionally managed individuals.”

Source: H. Eysenck, British Journal of Medical Psychology, 1998

Happiness Cuts Cardiac Risk
“The results (of this 10 year study) show increased levels of positive emotions, known as positive affect, are linked to a 22 percent lower risk of heart disease. While additional research is needed, the results suggest heart disease prevention may be helped by increasing positive feelings as well as reducing symptoms of depression.”

Source: “Don’t worry, be happy: positive affect and reduced 10-year incident coronary heart disease: The Canadian Nova Scotia Health Survey,” European Heart Journal 2010 31(9), as reported on Bloomberg.com, July 15, 2010.

The Good News
The good news is that using the emotional self-awareness and emotional self-management techniques in our programs has been shown promise in helping improve the health of people with…

With the potential to realize such health benefits, it seems an easy decision to commit to the small amount of time it takes to apply simple EI techniques on a regular basis.

Children’s recitals (of any kind) can be stressful events and times when emotions are heightened. This past weekend, I saw one of the most subtle and yet important demonstrations of emotional intelligence in action at my granddaughter’s dance recital.

We have known the owner of our local dance school for over thirty years.  My wife took lessons there, as did my daughter.  My daughter now has three little girls, ages 9, 6, and 3 — all currently taking lessons.  For a number of years my wife and I have helped out during the recital, which is held at the local high school auditorium.  My wife works backstage as a “runner.”  She makes sure the various groups of little girls (and a few little boys) are ready to go on stage at the right time.  I sell tickets and then I’m back stage to make sure that no one comes backstage who is not supposed to be there.  As a result both my wife and I get to see most of the recital from the left wing of the stage.

There are 3 dance teachers who teach various age groups of children.  When one of the teacher’s groups is on stage the teacher stands behind and at the edge of the main curtain so the children can see her but the audience cannot.  As the children dance the teacher dances behind the curtain, acting as a role model for the kids.

I think the most fun group for the audience is the 3 year olds who are performing for their first recital.  One of the dance teachers has a 3 year old in that group.  As they were waiting in the wing to go on stage, the dance teacher’s daughter started crying and did not want to go on stage — she just wanted her mommy.  The teacher picked up the little girl and comforted her as the group ahead of the 3 year olds was finishing their ballet number.  Another one of the back stage mothers tried to help but the little girl just cried louder.

What I saw over the next 30 minutes of the recital was so heart warming.  Even though the teacher was holding a crying, clinging 3 year old and had several more groups of children she had to get on and off stage and “dance” with she never got upset.  Instead she was patient, calm, caring and loving not only with her daughter but with her groups too!  By the end of the recital the 3 year old was smiling and happy and so was her mom.

On the drive home my wife and I talked about what could have happened if the teacher had not managed her emotions so well.  If the teacher had been irritated, impatient, angry, or had exhibited a number of other negative emotions her behavior and her relationship with her daughter could have been much worse.  And the little 3 year old might have had a negative memory that could have kept her from dancing in the future or even kept her from ever being on stage.

In tough situations, whether with family or coworkers, relationships often get down to a simple matter of choosing — choosing which emotions we want to experience and express.  That choice has not only an immediate impact but also a long-term impact.  Hopefully, we can all choose wisely in those tough situations.

Emotional Self-Awareness is the foundational competency of Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Self-Awareness is being aware of “what” you’re feelings are; not “how” you are feeling. Identifying people, things and events that trigger your emotions (whether positive or negative) is a first step to becoming emotionally self-aware. Following the simple steps below will help you identify your emotional triggers and enable you to think more clearly during emotionally charged situations.

The first step is to understand that you are responding to the primal “fight or flight” reaction when you are faced with a physical or psychological threat. It’s easy to see that negative emotions can result from physical threats, but there are also psychological threats that can trigger negative emotions. Psychological threats include being frustrated in pursuing a goal, being treated unjustly, being demeaned or insulted, as well as having your dignity/self-esteem or security threatened. Thousands of years ago our emotional triggers were more likely comprised of physical threats – our daily goal was to survive predators, famine and whatever else the day brought. Today our hot buttons are typically psychological threats.

Next identify and list those people, events, situations or things that evoke negative emotions (anger, annoyance, hurt, frustration, etc.). Some of these you will be able to recall, others you might list as you go through your day or week. For example…

• when someone cuts you off while you are making a point during a meeting
• when you are about to make a difficult phone call
• when you find yourself annoyed just by seeing an email has arrived from a particular person
• when your teenager comes home with a “D” on a paper
• when you don’t have the resources required to complete a project you are responsible for
• when you hear that the company is going to reorganize again
• when a project deadline is shortened dramatically
• when a parent is ill and you need to make arrangements to care for him or her
• when you show up to a meeting on time and only half the people are there
• when you see a family member who causes contention in the family
• when you keep getting interrupted while trying to meet a deadline
• etc.

Finally, look over your list and identify those hot buttons (people, things, situations) that evoke the strongest negative emotions. It may not be possible to avoid these, but just being alerted to how emotionally charged these situations can be can help you to start managing the negative emotions and think more clearly under pressure. This knowledge can help you have a better, more productive experience.

For many people the thought of change can result in anxiety, frustration and even fear. Just think about this a minute. Daily we are confronted with change upon change.  This constant bombardment can leave us in a chronic state of heightened negative emotions. However, if we have developed our Emotional Intelligence skills, we should be better able to manage the emotions that change can evoke.  If you are the one responsible for initiating the change following are some factors for you to consider that will increase the likelihood of success.

One factor is how dissatisfied people are with the current situation or state of things. The more dissatisfied people are, the higher the likelihood of initiating a change. A second factor is having a view of how people would like things to be in the future. The clearer and more desirable this future view is, the more likely people will be to go along with a change. Closely associated with the desirable future state is a third factor, the WIIFM (what’s in it for me) where “me” is the individual or collective group affected by the change. Another factor is how can we get from here to there? That is, what are the action steps that need to be taken? The more clearly defined and proven these steps are, the higher the likelihood of successful change. Of course any change takes time and resources (money and people).

The more effectively individuals can manage their emotions of anxiety, frustration, and fear associated with the change, the higher the likelihood of successful implementation of change.  To increase the chance for a successful change, let’s explore in more detail actions that can be taken for each of the the above factors.

Raise the dissatisfaction with “what is.”
Get people to talk about or voice what’s wrong with the current situation, process, or approach. Create forums for people to give voice to the problems they are experiencing that have to do with the change area. Be careful not to do all the talking yourself. The idea is to get others (particularly those you want to influence) to use their own examples and situations to identify the problems with the current situation.

Paint a Picture of the Future State.
Ask those with a vested interest (or show them) what things could be like (outcomes) if a change was made from the way things are done today. Get them to voice how this could/would be better for themselves and the organization. Look for the common benefits across the population affected so you can share those with others as you gain momentum for the change.

Provide the “how to.”
What’s your solution for how to get from today’s approach to the desired future way? Explain or show them how this has been done in other organizations similar to yours. Make sure they see the “steps” as doable to get from here to there. Remember, you may have to modify your initial ideas to work within the expectations/needs of those with a vested interest.

Resources.
Be thinking about and investigating where the required resources (people and money) will come from that will be required to take you from today’s situation to the desired future.  Those with vested interests may be willing to suggest or even volunteer resources to support the change.

If you work through the above points before initiating a change, you’ll find the process moves more easily.  People will be less stressed and anxious because they have been involved from the beginning and they have had a chance to buy-in and gain some ownership of the change.

By Guest Author, Bob Crowley

Diane Stafford had a thought-provoking article in the Kansas City Star discussing the need for civility in the workplace. She related stories of deals gone bad due to rude or offensive behavior. She also noted the crude and nasty voice mails she received from readers who didn’t care for her coverage of certain issues or events. Her point about how talk show hosts and television networks have accelerated polarization is one of the biggest challenges we all face today. It’s tough to feel like I’m above the debate, because I’ll watch and listen to commentators on television and find myself reacting with my own nasty diatribe in response to their insane pseudo-punditry.

The real problem is that we have been sorted and pulled apart, at a time when we need to be looking for common ground. It’s as if we all are expected to find some specific abstract principle and dogmatically view every action in the world through that lens alone. To do less is a sign of weakness and letting the different-thinking lunatics win. The logical extension is to dig in and lob grenades into the enemy camp. My beliefs can only win if yours lose. At a minimum, the mind set requires me to be vigilant and defensive at all times. The fact that I am justified in treating other people as scum, well, that’s really just a beneficial byproduct of self-righteousness.

It’s tough to keep peace, when there isn’t any to keep. I can identify with UN observers going into a gang fight between Somali warlords. The only thing the gang chieftains agree on is that the UN is not on their side and therefore is one of their many enemies.

In business, you know it’s really bad when people will leave money on the table rather than deal with a person or team that disrespects them.

After reading the article, I decided to Google a book that I found back in the early 90’s in the Psychic Eye Book Store in Sherman Oaks, CA. The title was an eye-catcher. It was called A**hole No More. Purportedly written by Dr. F. X. Crement, it claimed to be the first self-help book for people who realized they were a**holes. It was kind of a twelve-step program, which Crement developed when he realized that he behaved like one. After seeking expertise in treatment, he found that there was no cure. As someone told him, “You just are one.”

One statement on the back of the book stood out. It said that if you don’t know at least a dozen people who need to read this book, then you probably shouldn’t buy it. Someone will probably give it to you. Over the years, I have given copies of the book to people who I felt would appreciate the humor. It’s kind of like the way many of us love to read Dilbert. We never see ourselves in the dysfunctional characters. A quick Google search showed the book is available on Amazon. The cover actually showed the title with the actual word for A**hole. The fact is that over the years since this book was published, our society has devolved to the point where you don’t need any asterisks on the cover of the book any more. That says something about civility on a language level. It’s all Clark Gable’s fault, for uttering the first “damn” bad word in a major motion picture.

I think our tolerance of uncivil behavior has accelerated for all the reasons cited in the article. I would contend that in our drive to “get ‘er done”, Americans have always focused on results, much less concerned about how the results are achieved. There were always new lands and new challenges and new horizons. In the flat, crowded, interconnected world we live in today, leaders need to find ways to continue living with people after the military objectives of domination are achieved. If there is any lesson for the US in Iraq, it should be the recognition that we have a military that can achieve virtually any military objective in a confrontation. A war was always an event or series of events that had a beginning and an end. Today, after the battle plan is accomplished, you are still enmeshed in a tangled, on-going web of interdependent relationships.

In the language of general systems theory, you cannot not communicate on a relationship level. Whatever you do or say…and what you don’t do or say…you send a message about your relationship. Just because a wife stops talking to her husband doesn’t mean that she is not sending him a message. They are still in a relationship.

Think of how frustrating it is for China to have amassed trillions of American dollars. They have the power and capital to destroy the American economy if they wanted to take it down. The problem is, if they take us down, everything they’ve worked for goes with us. We are partners, living with the economic equivalent of Mutually Assured Destruction, which we vaguely remember from the Cold War, and how nuclear devastation of the planet made no sense to anyone. Many of the television celebrity commentators talk as if they would be willing to push the button if they don’t get their way.

In business, civility doesn’t find its way into leadership competency models, so hearing that emotional intelligence may become part of the typical leadership success profile is a positive step. The Catch-22 of the situation is that truly clueless leaders would then set a development objective of getting that competency, attacking EI as a separate skill, as if it isn’t an integral part of every requisite cognitive leadership skill.

This mind set reflects the fact that, in the past, civil behavior has been a quality which was nice to have…but certainly no deal breaker in business. Unless someone crosses the line and physically assaults a shell-shocked subordinate, a la George Patton, or several NCAA football coaches, it’s easily tolerated, as long as the target results are achieved. The people who are upset over leaders being removed based on politically incorrect statements, generally related to legally protected groups, do have a point when they note that the fired broadcaster or celebrity in question disrespects everyone, or is clueless about others, regardless of sex, race or creed. The critics of political correctness can point to other personalities who are more self-centered, egotistical jerks, completely oblivious to the emotional turmoil and destruction they create among everyone they touch. They stay in key roles, while an inappropriate reference to a gender stereotype will go off like an improvised explosive device.

I was surprised to find a number of listings in the Amazon section where the Crement book was listed. People are beginning to recognize the need to address civility issues in the workplace. Here is one.

Sutton, Robert I. The No A**hole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t

I’m willing to bet that Sutton is trying to help people deal with managers and associates who fail to engage in basic behaviors that your Mama should have taught you:

• Acknowledge and pay attention to people around you
• Assume good intentions
• Listen empathically
• Speak kindly
• Respect others’ opinions, time and personal space
• Accept and give constructive criticism
• Take personal responsibility and apologize earnestly

Sutton’s book is very close to something a friend in HR suggested twenty years ago. He said that the company needed a policy, called AH-1. You should be able to terminate someone for being an a**hole. Crement’s book may disagree, citing the designation as a disease entity, worthy of a twelve-step program. I think we have all have a touch of it from time to time. It would help if we had the self-awareness to take personal responsibility for those times. The starting point for civility is within…and we can do something about it. You don’t have to be one.

It seems that a good place to start would be to inoculate ourselves against incivility by developing our emotional intelligence skills. Not only would that help us manage the behavior of others, it would keep us from jumping on the “jerk” bandwagon when it comes around.

About Our Guest Author Bob Crowley:
With nearly three decades of Organizational Development and Human Resource experience, Bob Crowley shares his humorous and thought-provoking insights. We are delighted to have him as a guest author on our emotional intelligence blog. For more, be sure to read Bob’s article “Leaders Wield Emotional Intelligence Light Sabers!”

Paul Walsh, Chairman and CEO of Pillsbury, is quoted as saying, “The missing link in leadership development is growing the person to grow the leader.” Kevin Cashman, in his book Leadership From the Inside Out (now in its 2nd edition) addresses this missing link. He identifies “seven pathways to mastery…with each path supporting progress toward a more fulfilling destination: leading more effectively from within.”

The first of these paths is Personal Mastery – leading through authentic self-expression. Cashman defines Personal Mastery as, “…the ongoing commitment to unfolding and authentically expressing who we are.”

Learning to express ourselves authentically begins by developing self-awareness (a foundational Emotional Intelligence competency). With respect to leading authentically, Cashman’s self-awareness is at a deeper level than just being aware of one’s emotions. The leader must identify whether his decisions and actions come from his character, “the essence of oneself,” or his persona, “the external personality created to help cope with everyday life.” Cashman tells us that, “character transforms, persona copes.”

Like night and day (or, perhaps more like good and evil), Cashman suggests that character and persona possess opposite qualities: Character leads from the inside; persona from the outside. Character is guided by admirable traits such as authenticity, purpose, openness, trust compassion, courage and more. On the other hand, persona manifests with less desirable characteristics such as fear, control, safety/security, self-interest, etc.

Character, if viewed from an Emotional Intelligence perspective represents that part of us that is confident, helpful, optimistic, eager, etc.  In other words, this is the part of us that operates from a base of positive emotions.  Character is inclusive and one might even go so far as to say that it represents the Self, with large “S” where the person is as concerned about others as he is about him self.  We might even say character operates on a belief of unity and oneness of mankind.  Persona on the other hand operates out of a place of duality and fear, me vs. you, win vs. lose, always concerned with “protecting” it self (small “s”) from others.

Leading authentically isn’t about eliminating the persona – this is a part of our being, the global mindset we are each born into and taught to believe.  Leading authentically is about developing our character to a point where it is the primary force behind our actions. It’s about making a difference and creating value as opposed to just looking good, protecting oneself, or being “one-up” on others.

I suggest that an important first step in growing and developing our character is to enhance our skills to recognize and manage our emotions.  Not to let the negative emotions that are generated from perceived psychological threats to our security to “hi-jack” our thinking and put us in an “us vs. them” emotional mindset.  After recognizing the negative emotions we need to enhance our skill in choosing and transforming negative emotions into positive ones.

When we step back and really look at leaders and the best leaders we have ever worked with all we have to do is ask ourselves, “Where they good at managing their emotions most of the time?”  To develop leaders from the inside out we must develop our Emotional Intelligence skills.

From time to time I have the opportunity to read articles about what makes a leader. These articles typically list the author’s view of characteristics, behaviors, competencies and/or skills of effective leaders. Many of these lists seem to focus heavily on the cognitive and analytical side of leaders (i.e., Acts Strategically, Uses Financial Data, Develops Sound Plans). This heavy emphasis on cognitive terms seemed to indicate that a leader’s focus and success relied heavily on market success.

While “getting the numbers” and success in the market is a key driver, getting those numbers does not rely solely on cognitive skills: great leaders do not just possess cognitive skills; they also have a high degree of affective or “soft skills” (Develops Others, Establishes Relationships) that enable them to create organizational cultures that deliver results year over year. Over the past 10 years, I’ve noticed that the articles have started to include these soft skills. And I agree that their addition more accurately captures the make-up of a great leader – one who supports his or her people in such a way as to make the numbers while creating a positive, supportive culture.

However, many of these articles still fall short. They lack what I would term “real world feel” about the skills, characteristics and behaviors of great leaders. From my point-of-view they rarely capture enough of the elements or essence of a real, down-to-earth good leader.

Recently I read one of these articles and it made me think about the emotional intelligence training I just facilitated for executives and managers of a $15 billion energy company in Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates. This particular company employs people of 43 nationalities and the mix of participants in my workshop reflected this diversity. As a part of my workshops, I ask participants to list on flipcharts the characteristics and behaviors of the best, most effective bosses they’ve ever worked for. What is interesting (but not surprising) is that the characteristics of best bosses identified by the people in Abu Dhabi are very similar to those identified by participants in the workshops I’ve been conducting for over 15 years in the U.S., Canada, Australia, and Mexico for a wide variety of organizations including those in information systems, energy, manufacturing, transportation, government, communication, and fast food.

What I find even more interesting is that the list of best bosses more accurately captures or describes those soft skills that make-up what I would consider a good leader. While I’ll agree that a best boss may not always be a great leader in that he or she may lack some of the critical strategic or analytical skills, I’ll argue that a truly great leader should be a best boss.

Following are typical “best boss” characteristics and behaviors that participants in our workshops from senior executives to front-line employees identify whenever we do this workshop.

Characteristics/Behaviors of Best Bosses:

Observations:
As you look through the list, see if you don’t agree that the characteristics or behaviors represent true leaders – the best leaders. Notice that many of characteristics or behaviors…

When I think of leaders, it often makes me think of some super human being who can leap tall buildings in a single bound. And I contrast that with real people – the best bosses that I have ever worked for. People who possess characteristics or exhibit behaviors like those listed above are the kind of people that are the best leaders, the best bosses, the real people that I would be honored to follow and passionately support. What about you?

As a part of my Emotional Intelligence training program, I teach a creative technique to help people who are tasked with a project, challenge or subject to identify issues, events, or other things that might be required to accomplish that project, overcome the challenge, or explore the subject. The technique begins with a traditional ” mind map” where the project or challenge is entered as the “topic” into a circle in the middle of a page. Then, in turn, spokes are drawn from that circle as the group identifies major factors or ideas related to the topic. Ideas relating to the major factors are entered on lines drawn off the major factor lines.

When the group has exhausted all their ideas, they use another technique I teach that enables them to get their hearts and brains “in synch.” As a result of this coherence, people typically generate more ideas and create a more robust view of the issues that must be addressed to accomplish a project or are associated with the topic. This more robust view overlaying the mind map is called a Heart Map®.

While in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates this past month, a group of leaders explored the topic of “The Impact and Benefits of Emotional Intelligence.” Their work is pictured below. The items in blue indicate the ideas they generated before they used the technique that helped them gain greater coherence. The ideas generated as a result of using this technique are indicated in red.

Map Generated by Program Participants

Heart Map is a registered trademark of the Institute of HeartMath.

For Christians this is the time of year known as Lent – a time when people deny themselves food or other comforts with the aim of strengthening themselves and their faith. Most religions have times or days of fasting, usually with the same desired outcome: firmer faith and strength of character. We all probably know someone who’s given up something for Lent, even if we don’t observe the practice ourselves. Some people may just be giving up meat on Fridays. But I know people who are denying themselves Peanut M&Ms, Pepsi, bubble gum, movies, smoking and other luxuries that might be missed, but certainly won’t do them any harm to be without for forty days. Often people choose to give up chocolate, or desserts, or snacks. I think some people feel like this is a good time to lose weight.

Here’s a good thought. There’s something you could give up regardless of your race, religion, creed or season of the year that would make you healthier and happier, and make the world a better place. You could give up anger, anxiety, frustration, and worry. Try to give some of it up each day for just 21 days – the time it takes to change a habit or create a new behavior. Choose to react to those situations in a neutral way. See the actual behavior of the other person as just that, their behavior. And then you make a conscious choice to respond neutrally.

By improving your response-ability you gain more control over your life. You gain control to live your life the way you choose. Instead of re-acting (acting again the way you have) you can create a new you.

It may not be as tangible as giving up chocolate, but it will be much healthier for you and others both in the short and long run.