Emotional Intelligence Blog

In the article, “Should Women Be ‘Tough’ at Work to Succeed?,” Krishni Gunawardena (Daily Mirror, 5/3/11) describes a “bright, charming and sympathetic” young woman who owned an advertising company that employed fifteen staff who adored her. The owner’s approach was “gentle” and encouraged teamwork. It then went on to confuse “women’s ‘softer skills’ — getting involved in the lives of her employees, being slow to fire people who did not perform” — with emotional intelligence skills. The article then pointed out that three years later the young woman was fighting for survival — her company was not doing well. The premise was that the owner’s emotional intelligence skills proved to be detrimental to the company.

Yes Emotional Intelligence is a “soft skill,” just as are communication, interpersonal and negotiating skills. If we look at negotiating skills, we might use the example of lawyers as having some of the highest levels of negotiating skills. They enter into contentious negotiation debates almost daily, and no one would relate their high level of the soft skills of negotiation to being “soft.”

Just like negotiation skills, emotional intelligence skills are not about being “soft.” While there are many descriptions of what comprises emotional intelligence, one well-accepted model includes the four competencies listed below:

• Emotional Self-Awareness — The ability to be aware of what you are feeling in the moment. This provides you with information that you can use to decide what to do or say or not do or say next.
• Emotional Self-Management — Having the ability to choose the emotions that you want to experience or having the skill to transform out of negative emotions into more positive productive emotions and behaviors. This enables you to think, problem solve, and communicate more effectively.
• Empathy — The ability to put yourself into someone else’s shoes to see things from their point of view. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. By having an understanding of the other person’s feelings, situation, and motives for their behavior it enables you to adjust what you are saying in order to improve understanding from both sides. This leads to more win-win solutions to difficult situations.
• Nurturing Relationships — The ability to set a positive tone of cooperation even when things are not going well. Rather than getting upset it is about having the skill to be empathetic, to manage one’s own emotions, and to approach difficulties from a “solution and learning” perspective rather a “problem and blame” perspective.

Lets look at one of the issues the article raises about tough situations in which the author implies that women do not handle well — “giving tough feedback.” What might hamper someone, man or woman, from giving feedback when an employee is not performing up to expectations? Perhaps the person may not know a good process for giving feedback that is firm, constructive and effective. If a person does not have a good process, it’s easy to see how that could trigger negative emotions in them about giving feedback. In fact if the person giving the feedback is anxious, worried, and hesitant, the research shows that these emotions hamper the person’s thinking. So even if they know an effective way to give feedback, the person’s lack of Emotional Intelligence skills can keep them from doing it well!

If you don’t have the “Giving Feedback” skills as well as the Emotional Intelligence skills to help you manage your own emotions during the process, there is a high likelihood that you will shy away from providing the needed feedback — regardless of whether you are a woman or man.

The article also indicates that having the emotional intelligence competency of empathy (or, while not exactly the same thing, sympathy as the author puts it) compromises the individual’s level of supervisory skills, causing them to avoid delegating, leading, insisting on high performance, etc. This is not so. Empathy is understanding of another’s situation, feelings, and motives. It doesn’t mean someone agrees with the other person or that he or she is affected (or infected) by their emotion. Having high skill levels of empathy is key to resolving conflicts and disagreements constructively. It provides insight into the other person’s point-of-view and can be helpful when having difficult conversations.

One point the author fails to mention is the economy. Perhaps the owner’s management practices had little to do with the business faltering. The recent economy hit many businesses hard, causing many to struggle and some to fail.

The author does point out that people need to maintain a balance when it comes to their relationships with people. Ultimately it is efficiency plus care that equals effectiveness. It is not either/or; it is both/and. People need to get off the bandwagon that Emotional Intelligence is about being soft. Emotional Intelligence offers people skills to become highly effective.

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